I’ve just completed a week with a one day trip to the capital, a sleepover friend, a party filled up with sweethearts and a hearty lunch. The train ride is always a good way to pull my self together again. I have had a headache for few days, and it has completely gone by the time train teleport my body. Guess, I need something other than this city. Or just a plain hours of completely nothing but movement of time and space.
Back at home, to wrap up the week, I checked e-mails and yes, expected e-mails with pictures of me smiling cutishly wide attached has just arrived. Another check on dear friends who are struggling with the deadline of their thesis submission. Glad, everything is going well and surprisingly well arranged. Another checked on dear friends in neighbouring cities and countries, and they are having their time of their life now. Last check on me, I feel happy but a bit lonely.
*deep sigh*
For a girl who demands independency at utmost priority, I failed most of the times like this.
A good buddy is somebody you find in your self – my wisdom ass
Ok, confession. Yesterday I was completely drunk. And it feels… horrible.
Yuck.
Ok, another confession, I’m a newcomer in this business. How can I say, I love them when we were together for only a year? Probably it is too early to judge things.
Ok, another confession, I was stupid enough to force my self to help a friend in his thesis and play badminton while I was drunk. Nothing good came out of it, for sure.
So, after the badminton session I sat quietly on the bench and gaze into the wire fence field boundary.
“What is it?”
“Nothing,” I stared at him a little then continue gazing at the wires.
“What is it?”
“Nothing.”
Nothing. I feel empty. Betrayad. I wanted to be alone.
I’ve been a truly big fan because they gave me such a boost of energy on weekends. Enough energy to feel instant happiness and dance around all night. And after that the exhausting feeling put me into a deep sleep and take away the guilty feeling of waking up late in the next morning. And this time they just sucked away my energy and gave a terrible headache all day. What a big liar.
I shrugged. Okay, I will take this as a time to stop a while. Sometimes in life, you just have to do that. Catch a breath, hold my self not to jump into experiences and just observe more. I want happiness, infinitely and eternally, not a fake instant one in a price of six packs.
Guess I will just stay away from things like this.
At least, until the weekend comes ;)
Happiness comes from the heart. And it is priceless - my own wisdom ass
As I always say, time does flies. Deep and heavy sigh. The first part of euro trip has been done, but more to come. The traveling thing was very intense, I hardly cached up my breath. Don’t worry about me, I enjoy traveling at its fullest, and on the contrary I might be sick if I stay too long in a place.
The first four modules have been passed. All the marks and grades have finally arrived and I’m glad I did it well. I could have been trying harder, but let’s just not put too much pressure on my self too, OK? Good. Now we can move on with new things. And surprisedly, I’m a bit clueless about them.
Short course participants have gone, and I still remember clearly how I shed a tear in the train station. New comers appeared with a fresh atmosphere and a bit of curiosity on their faces. I’ve been trying my best to give them the friendly greetings. The lyrics of the Killer’s song stacked in my head “We hope you enjoy your stay. It’s good to have you with us, even it’s just for the day.”
Ah, why does it always be like this? People come and go. Living in a fast lane. How can I hold on to some moments of life? To a wonderful time and beautiful faces?
Days have been flying recently. From GIS exam, Group Application Project until the result came out. From Sushi at Rotterdam, Vermeer in Delft until Batavia Werf in Lelystad. From spicy Tom Yam soup, brocoli with curry sauce, crunchy tempura wanna-be until delicious stuffed peppers. From overwhelmed ice skating, meditative swimming and competitive badminton. Not too mention the most favorite ride, bicycling here and there and everywhere.
I can not believe, it is almot three months. But the sympthoms thas has been happening to me are quite clear. I begin to miss everything that’s not here. Not every single thing, but each of them stroked me a bit hard. Stephen Chow movie accompanied by my brother or the way my father adjust his glasses. The sound of music box from my mother’s powder container and the sincere smile from my auntie’s face. I missed to may birthday, but I managed to join the wine surprise party with only voices.
The most pain-stakingly part in the heart was reading a touchy notes from a dear best friend. Everything seems so sweet, and I want to gulp them again like a cup of tea we used to have. At the same time, it tasted bitter, it probably quite a while until our next adventure together. Our dreams about riding miyo around java islands collide with the scene where we sit side by side on the airplane, which flies over this continent.
Well, apart from all the good things here, I decided to take a break. Of course the journey will be different without my best traveling buddy. I’m quite sure the ghost of her will be my my side, although she’s never been to Europe before.
Anyhow, I have to step my feet. Nowadays, it’s me who shout the command, not you or anybody else. Not even life stages.
It was late at night, but we decided to go out. It is always great to be outdoor. The white sprinkles from the sky dropped on my head. I know my hair would be damped, but I just could not resist having it in my head. I didn’t know either if I have one or two in my eyelashes, and considered as nice things. The cold breezes blew mildly, but definitely it was still too cold for me. Gladly I wrapped tight by beautiful turquoise winter jacket and this unexplainable happiness wrapped my heart warmly.
It was good that I have waterproof shoes so I can step on the snow. The piled snow wasn’t too high, but still you could not trace my tracks. We goofed around like penguins. I stepped heavily on the snow to hear the sound which I love so much, crack crack crack. I can hear it clearly, but I feel like... flying.
winter came by my bedroom today
falling in rows and covering the lane
morning shone on my windows today
passing the time I slumber away
to kill all the day
someone came by my bedroom today
swaying around, then silently away
someone left home and my bedroom today
left by the time I slumbered away
to kill all the day
In The Afternoon – the Cardigans
Snow makes the winter worth living – a bestfriend, Q.
In the afternoon I walked alone to the university and feel the breezy drizzling raindrops on my lips. It tasted, plain. My new pair of brown boots surely a waterproof, so I keep on walking anyway. It’s been extremely gloomy since this morning. I try to imagine my favorite Banda purplish sky but I guess it is not wise to compare one place to another. Nothing can replace what I miss, but nothing I can do anyway. In life, so many things come and go, sometimes it’s hard to hold on to some moments. I close my eyes and imagine that someday this will be the thing I miss. Crazy cloudy sky, I feel like an actress playing in a horror movie. I never felt like that before. Most of the time, I naively act as a teenage high school girl in her imaginative world. The girl who is freak, curious, sharp but in the same time very poetic. Sometimes she walks alone and pampers herself with her me-time. Sometimes she is just one of the crowds and satisfies to feel the friend inside her. But most of the time, she’s in love. Cheesy spontaneous love.
I'd catch some stars for you, and just for you
I'd paint the grey sky blue, and just for you
so don't tell me you want the rain, from a cloudy sky
to wash away the pain, that I've given you again
I've always tried to find, what satisfies your mind
but I will never know, where you are to go
but I want you to know, do you want a golden ring
I would buy you anything.
We have been struggling with the book. Actually, the content in it. I was up until 4 last night, tried hard to get everything into my head. Reading and learning are fun in someway, but understand things and stuff them inside your brain is another thing. We invented the terms bloody and virus and all the nasty things just to cheer us up, but still, this is something we have to go through.
It’s been years. And I remember so well those kinds of days. The sleepless nights and hopeless sight from my eyes. The way I prepared my best pen along with my must-have mechanical pencil. And after the day, I went home in the sleepiest manner one could ever have, and had my most peaceful sleep. The next day I could paint a smile in my face.
In here, I am expecting something else.
A bottle, chips and you as a beer bud.
We will survive, believe me.
And in my mind I can picture something like this after I handed in the answer sheet “That was fun!”
