The clock is ticking, very fast I must say. And here I am, stopping everything. Every work, conversation, just me and my thoughts. And the Smiths of course.
It is so hard to work my ass off this day. I try to do this, it didn’t work. Try other way, same thing happened. Take a break in order to get enlightment, then the guilty feelinfg crept in and I drag my ass off to work again. I might as well enjoy a cup of hot chocolate and baileys.
I could not write or post picture everywhere, I just can’t. And this blog lay out turned out to be so ugly. Watjefuk.
Today is a koopzondag day. That means shops, open at this first Monday at the month. Although not of all of them, Asian store refuses to participate in this event although I bet Chinesse store would like to do more. Since I need to buy a birthday present for a friend, I took as an excuse to stroll around.
The chill weather is running back, but the sun is shining. First stop is to buy a top-up credit for my friend somewhere in her origin country. I don’t know what her plan is, but let’s stop asking questions and just act. Next stop is a window shopping at Body shop where I usually feel like home and broke all at once. After that HEMA, for a very special smell and a one-stop-shopping place. And then walk around again to find earmuffs for my friend’s winter supplies. Unluckily, didn’t find one. Well, we found one, very fluffy and in pink color. He dislikes it, for sure. We wondered, earmuffs are one of the essential things, why don’t they just sell it everywhere, even in a supermarket? Drop at my favorite naturalist shop where we impulsively bought glycerine hand cream. Walk again, and smell the coffee. Ok, let’s sit under the sun and take a sip. Ouwh, first, let’s hit the bookstore. Spent too much time at the place as usual. I got a book and he got an interesting desktop table-tennis set. Had some snacks then relaxing at the café. Ordered coffee and revealed some of the fieldwork stories. The tiny cups of espresso arrived. Whopsie, not that one. I mean the warm big cups, so we ordered macchiato latte. Spent more time for more stories then walked home in a windy afternoon. Amused my self with the world web and tv. Cooked tasteless dinner but be happy with it anyway, after all the nutrition that counts.
All the store that I passed. All the meaningless stuffs that I bought. All the various drinks that I gulped. All the food that I indulge.
All these things that I've done. Just to let hours, days, weeks and month pass by, to be next to you.
Hold on baby, hold on.
…
When there's nowhere else to run / Is there room for one more son / One more son / If you can hold on, hold on
A while ago I had an online conversation with a close friend. We always communicate online although I know we should do this in persons. We’re kinda close, at heart. He asked me what I was doing, and I said that I’m in the missing of someone. He laughed, and I was sad. I mumbled, it is painful to know that we could not meet a person because of the distance. He laughed harder, said that as long was we are still in the same world, don’t take anything for granted.
I stopped and thought. Now I have friends all over the various latitude and longitude, the numbers added up quite fast. When we were together, I hold their hands tight and smiled, knowing that the moment would finally arrive. And I really wish that I could fly my own jumbo jet to meet them again. This time, it would be in their home towns, where I could see their families, their university, their favorite restaurants and taste their favorite local beer brand. I know, that close friend of mine must be laughing again because he imagined this kind of thing before any of my single thoughts.
But what if, I don’t have the ticket to ride? So, those last times at the train station were the last time I saw their faces with my very eyes. What if, they would be transferred to the other world?
I gulped the air in my empty throat.
Another friend of mine comforted me. Also in an online conversation, so I could not see her gorgeous look and big eyes. She said, from the very start we must realize that all is temporary. The best is to let go. Or else, hold on to the moment. We finally agree to call our families and told them that we are fine at where we are. Just to keep them happy.
But no goodbye is easy. They said we should keep them in the heart. As if it is that simple. The hole is sometimes too wide to mend. I locked my self in the room, thinking hard to cope with this. No no, none present could replace other’s presence. And it hits me once again, right at the heart.
After a yoga class, I had a long conversation with a girlfriend. I haven’t rolled up my yoga mat and sat on it. Then I explained to her how yoga was the solution for my worst brokenhearted case and she didn’t believe it. Well, she believed at the yoga part, but not the brokenhearted case. Sad saidly, I did have my heart bruised and wounded, when I had not sleep a wink and had no appetite at all. She said, no way, because I always have guys around me, I am strong and always be all cheery and smily.
This afternoon I had an online conversation with a guy who just stole a piece of my heart. I stole as well, a big piece ;) I was joking around, told him that he was in my top ten list. He didn’t believe it, and said he must be on the top 50. “That’s too much to handle. Come on, I am a human, not a sex machine.” He laughed so hard, and I know I just stole another piece.
A friend asked what I have been doing this holiday. Nothing. I woke up this morning with a nauseous feeling and an something weird happened in my digestive system. He said I don’t have to worry, nothing serious. But I was worried. I am OK now, but I’ve been learning to listen to my body and understand it. One thing I learn, I should be more careful. Eventhough he sees me not very picky about food, even the disgusting one. My stomach is not as strong as my mouth, you know.
Sometimes I wish I can be as as tough as you all see me.
A week doesn’t seem too long. Even more when you have a project to submit, a presentation to show and a party to merry. In between I still have to squeeze in vegetarian food combining menu and an exercise program just to keep me less guilty indulging the daily product. Do not forget to mention a shopping spree for the souvenirs, a trip to another town to visit a friend and also doing the laundry after midnight. Gees, no wonder today I just want to embrace my laziness.
And amongst those days, sometimes I didn’t pay any attention to who were with me all this time. To talk over small cups of coffee at very late at night or just to make sure someone was there to give me courage to go on. At the very last dinner I tried my best to cook the spaghetti oglio which was too oily, and broccoli which was too soft. They said they like the food, but I know they were just being nice. But we had fun anyway. We always had a lot of fun. Imitating our teachers or our bosses or just simply make a comment on silly things on the internet.
I’ve been moving to fast, sometimes I just do things under my consciousness. I laughed so hard and cry so loud. All those lovely people are the best to keep me in insanity. They came to cheer me at my presentation time, and I cheered them up with my silly actions. We cheered again with lots of beers or strong coffee afterwards. Then today suddenly the reality again hits me in the face. That you’re not here now.
I’m not good at handling goodbyes. When we both wave our hands, see the distance between us grows further and more further and our faces fade into blur pictures of memories – me comments on facebook
This kind of environment hits me at my weakest point. For 6 months I've been here, I have cried 3 times at the train station. Every now and then, I have to face it, and this time the rate is quite rapid.
As a girl who demands an independent at utmost priority, I know I could not rely on others and gegelendotan on everyone. I can not hold your hand and beg you to stay, because I know people have to move on. Even after sometimes, I have to move on as well. But still I must face empty space and ghost of them. Turn the tv on until I fall asleep to feel less alone. Plug in my iPod and turn on the speaker volume at max. Avoid Symmetry by Mew in order to chase away the mellow girl in me, and tune in to positive vibe of Swing Out Sister instead.
A good friend of mine thinks I am too happy. Too happy to share her gloomy shade. No fella, you are not that right. For sure I want to be happy at all times, but then, I am human with emotions. And that's including the negative one. But yeah, life goes on, and no matter how weak I am tempted by the farewells, I shall continue my step again. Countless I have written in this page, in life people come and go. As I welcome them all smily, I indeed hold back the tears and ready for a new adventure.
Winter might go now. A friend opened his hands wide and shout to the air, "Welcome, Spring!" Though I still feel like winter because of the weather, but I sense that days have been a bit longer. And I'm pretty sure you stay here longer. Longer that you would know *tap my chest*
"Can you lose your favorite person without losing yourself?" - Stargirl
I’m trying hard not to count the days. They decrease in correspondence to time. Gees. *put the hands inside pockets*
It is funny how we use time to measure moment. On what scale should we weight them? Hmm, let’s say, from October till February, it’s been 5 months of closeness. Do you consider it as long? I’ve had a serious relationship for more than striking 5 years, would you dare to compare? What about the intention of one one-night-stand? A night that leaves stain in your memories, not only for the occurring time, but forever.
Quoting from Star Trek, even forever could be only an extent of a blink of eyes.
Are there any other parameters to scale the moment? Could it be the moment itself?
Let’s give moderate rank for badminton and ice skating session. Probably also for a walk in the park and christmas present hunting. Hmm, swimming has always been my favorite activity, so let’s give it slightly a higher scale, and a more less when it turned down. A cheap talk at the end of the lunch break deserves the same. On the contrary, bicycling time with a boom box gets a good rank but nothing more. So, where does the Oscar go to?
*drum rolls*
I suppose we hand it to countless cups of tea at the edge of the night.
Surprisingly, the happiness crawls in when we do… nothing.
Instead of using time, activity, and cost to measure this, why don’t we use contentment, breath-taking scenes and simply companion?
An alternative way to model temporal analysis - waeeeeeeeeee.... :P
I’ve just completed a week with a one day trip to the capital, a sleepover friend, a party filled up with sweethearts and a hearty lunch. The train ride is always a good way to pull my self together again. I have had a headache for few days, and it has completely gone by the time train teleport my body. Guess, I need something other than this city. Or just a plain hours of completely nothing but movement of time and space.
Back at home, to wrap up the week, I checked e-mails and yes, expected e-mails with pictures of me smiling cutishly wide attached has just arrived. Another check on dear friends who are struggling with the deadline of their thesis submission. Glad, everything is going well and surprisingly well arranged. Another checked on dear friends in neighbouring cities and countries, and they are having their time of their life now. Last check on me, I feel happy but a bit lonely.
*deep sigh*
For a girl who demands independency at utmost priority, I failed most of the times like this.
A good buddy is somebody you find in your self – my wisdom ass
I drank my Vietnamese tea, served by my Vietnamese friend. It tasted a bit bitter in my tongue but it was soothing. We have chips as a companion but I was not into something spicy. His room, up in the 9th floor, for sure has a very nice view. Beautiful. We stood next to each other, by the window and look out side. It was dark, and this city is not that lively, so there is nothing much to see. He dreamt about escaping to the capital and I just smiled. I’m not into big city, and there’s nowhere else I’d rather be than being here. Well, the white sandy beach is preferably but I’ve dreamt to be here for so long, so I guess I really shouldn’t complain. I looked for the moon but he said it is on the other side of the city, so we could not see it. Next time it will be tea and the sun. It’s a combo. A killer combination. But then I could not think about anything. But you.
