An empty hall

A while ago I had an online conversation with a close friend. We always communicate online although I know we should do this in persons. We’re kinda close, at heart. He asked me what I was doing, and I said that I’m in the missing of someone. He laughed, and I was sad. I mumbled, it is painful to know that we could not meet a person because of the distance. He laughed harder, said that as long was we are still in the same world, don’t take anything for granted.

I stopped and thought. Now I have friends all over the various latitude and longitude, the numbers added up quite fast. When we were together, I hold their hands tight and smiled, knowing that the moment would finally arrive. And I really wish that I could fly my own jumbo jet to meet them again. This time, it would be in their home towns, where I could see their families, their university, their favorite restaurants and taste their favorite local beer brand. I know, that close friend of mine must be laughing again because he imagined this kind of thing before any of my single thoughts.

But what if, I don’t have the ticket to ride? So, those last times at the train station were the last time I saw their faces with my very eyes. What if, they would be transferred to the other world?

I gulped the air in my empty throat.

Another friend of mine comforted me. Also in an online conversation, so I could not see her gorgeous look and big eyes. She said, from the very start we must realize that all is temporary. The best is to let go. Or else, hold on to the moment. We finally agree to call our families and told them that we are fine at where we are. Just to keep them happy.

But no goodbye is easy. They said we should keep them in the heart. As if it is that simple. The hole is sometimes too wide to mend. I locked my self in the room, thinking hard to cope with this. No no, none present could replace other’s presence. And it hits me once again, right at the heart.

From my deepest condolescence.

Miss Steel Muscles

After a yoga class, I had a long conversation with a girlfriend. I haven’t rolled up my yoga mat and sat on it. Then I explained to her how yoga was the solution for my worst brokenhearted case and she didn’t believe it. Well, she believed at the yoga part, but not the brokenhearted case. Sad saidly, I did have my heart bruised and wounded, when I had not sleep a wink and had no appetite at all. She said, no way, because I always have guys around me, I am strong and always be all cheery and smily.

This afternoon I had an online conversation with a guy who just stole a piece of my heart. I stole as well, a big piece ;) I was joking around, told him that he was in my top ten list. He didn’t believe it, and said he must be on the top 50. “That’s too much to handle. Come on, I am a human, not a sex machine.” He laughed so hard, and I know I just stole another piece.

A friend asked what I have been doing this holiday. Nothing. I woke up this morning with a nauseous feeling and an something weird happened in my digestive system. He said I don’t have to worry, nothing serious. But I was worried. I am OK now, but I’ve been learning to listen to my body and understand it. One thing I learn, I should be more careful. Eventhough he sees me not very picky about food, even the disgusting one. My stomach is not as strong as my mouth, you know.

Sometimes I wish I can be as as tough as you all see me.

Somewhere in Everywhere

A week doesn’t seem too long. Even more when you have a project to submit, a presentation to show and a party to merry. In between I still have to squeeze in vegetarian food combining menu and an exercise program just to keep me less guilty indulging the daily product. Do not forget to mention a shopping spree for the souvenirs, a trip to another town to visit a friend and also doing the laundry after midnight. Gees, no wonder today I just want to embrace my laziness.

And amongst those days, sometimes I didn’t pay any attention to who were with me all this time. To talk over small cups of coffee at very late at night or just to make sure someone was there to give me courage to go on. At the very last dinner I tried my best to cook the spaghetti oglio which was too oily, and broccoli which was too soft. They said they like the food, but I know they were just being nice. But we had fun anyway. We always had a lot of fun. Imitating our teachers or our bosses or just simply make a comment on silly things on the internet.

I’ve been moving to fast, sometimes I just do things under my consciousness. I laughed so hard and cry so loud. All those lovely people are the best to keep me in insanity. They came to cheer me at my presentation time, and I cheered them up with my silly actions. We cheered again with lots of beers or strong coffee afterwards. Then today suddenly the reality again hits me in the face. That you’re not here now.

I’m not good at handling goodbyes. When we both wave our hands, see the distance between us grows further and more further and our faces fade into blur pictures of memories – me comments on facebook